*** A hippie is someone who looks like Tarzan, walks like Jane and smells like Cheetah.

*** Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the ‘Y’ becomes silent.

*** Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.”

*** They say hard work never hurts anybody, but why take the chance.

*** Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.

*** To those of you who received honors, awards and distinctions, I say well done. And to the C grade students, I say you too may one day be president of the United States.

*** 80% of the final exam will be based on the one lecture you missed and the one book you didn’t read.

*** The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies; probably because they are generally the same people.

*** The only true love is love at first sight; second sight dispels it.

*** I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

*** By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.

*** A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.